Davos Oligarchs Only Want the Best For Us, Right?
“Satire aside, we need to resist the lunatics at all costs.”
Another Right Wing Nut Job Questions the Jabberwocky
“Hey, we all know she must be a right-wing bigot who is seeking to kill grandma. Away with her!”
Dear Tallulah, My Animal Justice Flatmate
“Good luck trying to emancipate those enslaved guide dogs. Blind people can be so thoughtless sometimes.”
Dear Parishioners, We’re All In This Together But Not All Of You
“We have also reluctantly engaged the services of a security company for this 3 week period, and a security officer will be present to enforce the public health orders where necessary.”
The New COVID Revised Version
“Believe in Fauci and Gates and the vaxxes and the lockdowns, and you will be safe and saved, you and your household.”
Disney To Release Woke Version of ‘Snow White’ Where Prince Charming Waits For Consent Before Giving “True Love’s Kiss”
The updated version, which will be released on Disney+ under the more appropriate title, White Privilege and the Seven Persons of Short Stature, will replace the controversial scene with the prince patiently waiting for Snow White’s consent.
Satire: ‘Bluey’ to Introduce Feral Character More Representative of the ABC
The show’s creators responded to the criticism by renouncing Australian Cattle Dog Supremacy and rejecting the notion that the show perpetuates the Pawtriarchy.
Victorian Government Pressures Police to Issue Arrest Warrant for Holy Spirit
It has been reported that the Victorian government has been pressing police to issue a warrant for the arrest of the Holy Spirit.
The Night Before the Happy Holiday (Formerly Known as Christmas)
“This birth represents heteronormative oppression. We must rally people to take up arms against it. He who says that God became man is guilty of hatred towards women.”
Bigoted Judges Rule Children Can’t Give Informed Consent to Irreversible, Untested, Hormone Treatments
Has anybody told Daniel Andrews about the three terrible bigots across the pond who are trying to suppress the gender identity of ‘transgender’ minors?
Mayors Support $6.2 Quadrillion in Reparations, $151 Million to Each African American
Not Satire: America’s mayors this week backed a national call for reparations to black people, a program that could cost taxpayers $6.2 quadrillion. The U.S. Conference of Mayors released a letter Monday backing a Democratic plan to form a reparations commission to come up with a payment for slavery. The Washington Examiner reported that the issue of repatriations had been raised afresh in response to the Black Lives Matter movement. The report said: “Long at the centre of the debate has been the potential price tag of paying slavery descendants, for which studies broadly include most or all of the…
Actors Repent of Voicing Cartoon Characters Coloured with the Wrong Shade of Pencil
SATIRE: HOLLYWOOD animators were thrown into chaos last week when white actors said they would no longer voice coloured characters. Actors providing voiceovers for black characters from cartoons such as Family Guy and Central Park quit their roles in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement. Follow Caldron Pool on Facebook, Twitter, and Parler! White actor Seymore Virtue, who voices a popular black cartoon character, told reporters: “Black Lives Matter and that includes black cartoon lives. “I love playing the role, but unless animators use different coloured pencils, I cannot continue to be his voice.” White actress Mia Snowflake said she had been…
Marketing Genius: Nestlé Accuses Itself of Racism
NESTLE yesterday took the unprecedented step of complaining that its own product was racist, after seeing the publicity other companies got when accused of racism. Company spokeswoman, Candy Crush, told reporters she was “deeply sorry” no-one had been offended by their raspberry-flavoured Redskin confectionery. “Because Redskins are only sold in Australia and New Zealand there has been no outrage from American Indians at all,” she said. “And for that, we are deeply sorry.” It is believed anger about the iconic lolly’s name began last week – not among American Indians, who had never heard of the chewy sweet, but among…
HILARIOUS: ‘Visit CHAZ’ Tourism Promo
The Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, also known as CHAZ, is a new thriving landlocked country in Seattle. This prime location is perfect for family vacations, honeymoons and unfettered violence. Courtesy of the Daily Caller. WATCH:
Stats Reveal Criminals Are Shockingly Over-Represented in Prisons
Satire: AUSTRALIA must address factors that make criminals more likely to go to jail than other members of the community, activists say. While the Australian Institute of Criminology has found the rate at which criminals die in custody has been decreasing, data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows the proportion of prisoners in Australia who are criminals has remained steady at 100 percent. This is despite the fact that 100% of prisoners claim to be innocent. “Criminals are over-represented in our prisons,” activist Ima Lawless told thousands of peaceful protestors who had gathered to loot department stores in the…
Australia Is a Racist Country, and to Say That It’s Not, Is to Prove That It Is
SATIRE: Since we know that only racists would say they are not racists, it is necessary to prove you are not a racist by acting like you are guilty of racism, even when you feel no actual guilt. Doing this enables you to experience an incredible sense of self-righteousness since, by apologizing for racism, you prove that you are not a racist like those people who refuse to apologize for the racism they are not guilty of; which is itself a form of racism. Racists argue that we don’t have to apologize for racism since Australia is no longer a…
Why Don’t We Replace Our Elected Politicians With Non-Elected “Experts”?
Is it time to replace our elected politicians with non-elected experts? We have always voted representatives into public office. But perhaps that has been our problem. They were representative of us! Who among us is an expert, fit to adjudicate on the big questions of life? These days most of us are flat out just trying to work out what to watch on Netflix! Surely the past few years have proved that Abraham Lincoln’s “government of the people by the people for the people” should indeed perish from the earth. Increasingly I wonder if a better model for society might…
The Health Department Needs to Advise Which of the 100 Genders Is Least Susceptible to COVID-19 so That Everyone Can Identify as That One
THE UK Health Department announced yesterday via Twitter that Coronavirus was having a disproportionate impact on “certain genders”. A few people – who had completed junior school biology – immediately wondered what chance the Health Department had of containing a world-wide pandemic when they hadn’t yet worked out there were only two genders. A ninth-grader told news media: “When the Department says certain genders are more likely to contract Coronavirus, they need to be more specific about which ones. “And if they are pushed for time, maybe they could just pick one of two available genders that actually exist.” He…
The COVID-19 Dictionary
THE Covid-19 epidemic has completely changed the world, including the way we speak. Words that only yesterday meant one thing now denote something entirely different. This helpful Lexicon will give you the vocabulary to successfully navigate your way through the crisis. Airline: A company that owns lots of planes that don’t fly anywhere. Celebrity: A multi-millionaire who sits in a mansion telling you not to complain about being stuck at home with no job. Climate Change: A term you might vaguely remember from a distant past. Covid-19: A virus charged with doing to Trump what neither CNN, the Democrats, nor…