Opinion Satire

Victorian Government Pressures Police to Issue Arrest Warrant for Holy Spirit

It has been reported that the Victorian government has been pressing police to issue a warrant for the arrest of the Holy Spirit.
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SATIRE: It has been reported that the Victorian government has been pressing police to issue a warrant for the arrest of the Holy Spirit. The charges are somewhat unclear, but they are associated with unconfirmed indications of offensive behaviour. The Spirit has been grieved, and evidence of His presence is not clear. However, a few hitherto shining lights in the Brave New World have supposedly been speaking recently of being convicted of something they have called sin. The meaning of this word could not be found by googling; it was discovered in an ancient dictionary that had survived recent attempts at cancel culture.

Police are frustrated that there is no actual description of the Holy Spirit available, and there are no signs of His presence in the Victorian parliament. Nevertheless, citizens are warned to approach Him with caution. Only read what is safe, and speak to peer-reviewed, government-accredited experts. In such a serious matter, one cannot be too careful.

Should anyone be found acting foolishly – with love, joy, peace, kindness, self-control and the like – he or she (as they seem to use only these two preferred, quaint and rather old-fashioned pronouns) –  must be taken in for re-education training. Under no circumstances must such a person be allowed to play football, sit on corporation boards, or work in the media. Anyone exhibiting a spirit of fear is deemed to be safe.

A reward is being offered for the arrest of this Spirit. It is either thirty pieces of silver or a pillar of salt.


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