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The Health Department Needs to Advise Which of the 100 Genders Is Least Susceptible to COVID-19 so That Everyone Can Identify as That One

THE UK Health Department announced yesterday via Twitter that Coronavirus was having a disproportionate impact on “certain genders”.

A few people – who had completed junior school biology – immediately wondered what chance the Health Department had of containing a world-wide pandemic when they hadn’t yet worked out there were only two genders.

A ninth-grader told news media: “When the Department says certain genders are more likely to contract Coronavirus, they need to be more specific about which ones.

“And if they are pushed for time, maybe they could just pick one of two available genders that actually exist.”

He added: “The Health Department’s tweet is as embarrassing as it is unscientific. The middle of a pandemic isn’t the time for cringeworthy pandering. The Government shouldn’t ask us to trust them and ‘follow the science’ when they can’t even say male or female.”

Meanwhile, others demanded to know how many genders the Health Department was aware of, and whether any of them had accidentally escaped from a Wuhan laboratory.

Carly Woke, a reporter at the BBC, which last year produced an educational film claiming there were more than 100 genders (that part is true), worried that a pandemic meant pangender people would be particularly vulnerable since both words started with “pan”.

“The modelling is terrifying,” she told viewers from a safe space in the broadcaster’s London studios.

Skye Cadet, head of Gender Studies at Oxford, told the BBC that the Health Department should immediately advise which of the 100 genders was least susceptible to COVID-19 so that everyone could identify as that one.

“This is a huge breakthrough,” she (not their actual pronoun) said.

“If we all stop identifying according to our violently assigned at birth gender and instead identify as, say, non-binary pansexual two-spirit genderqueer women, then we can beat this virus.”

When asked how it was that COVID-19 was able to recognise which socially constructed bias & stereotypes a person was conforming to before infecting them, she insisted: “We just have to trust the science.”

At the time of writing the Health Department had been unable to confirm reports that the virus was only affecting males and females.

Experts pointed out that, if the reports were true, it would mean all other genders imagined by the UK Health Department would seem to have total immunity.

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