Satire: In a bold and controversial move, the Victorian Government has announced a state-wide ban on the sale and use of pens in an effort to address the ongoing decline in student academic performance.

Premier Jacinta Allan revealed the policy earlier today, citing troubling data on falling retention rates and persistently low NAPLAN results. Despite substantial investments in school infrastructure and educational programs, a significant number of students continue to fall below national standards in English and mathematics.

“We’ve tried everything—funding, curriculum reform, even mindfulness programs,” Allan said at a press conference. “It’s time we addressed the real culprit: pens.”

The new legislation will prohibit the sale and possession of all standard writing pens across Victoria, including within classrooms. Teachers will not be exempt, and the government has made clear that the ban applies uniformly to all education and business environments.

“These are unhelpful instruments of education,” Allan stated. “They have no place in our classrooms pulling down the grades of our students.”

A government task force will be established to enforce the ban, with random checks planned across schools, retail outlets, and offices. Officials warned that failure to comply will be considered a criminal offence, punishable by fines or prosecution.

Reactions from educators and parents have been swift and largely positive, with many applauding the government’s bold willingness to take decisive action amid a worsening academic crisis. While some have expressed surprise at the move, others see it as a necessary step toward meaningful reform.

One parent remarked, “If this is what it takes to make sure my child never fails another exam, so be it. We’re just grateful to have a Premier who can properly identify the problem—and has the spine to tackle it head-on.”