Progressivism has become so pervasive that it’s about time that a children’s book is written on the political left.
We’ve all been wanting to understand those big words that are thrown around time and time again and so, for social education of knuckle-dragging-cave-dwelling-deplorables everywhere, here are your 21st century ABC’s.
A is for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
AOC: The Fresh New Face of the Democratic Party, or as Ben Shapiro says, “So fresh. So face.” Never before have the ideals of communism been espoused in such eloquence and grandeur than through the lips of this 21st century feminist prophet.
According to AOC, the world is going to end in 12 years unless we address ‘climate change’ — you better get ready for doomsday and sell your houses!
B is for Bigotry
Now that post-modernism is fully grown, a bigot is defined as anyone who disagrees with you. Of course, Trump is bigotry incarnate.
Don’t engage with anyone who has an opposing argument — just compare them to Hitler; this is enough to dismiss any argument they make and prevents the need for you to listen, let alone intellectually engage with your opponent’s argument. Nazis…
C is for Capitalism
You might still be living under the delusion that capitalism is good. But that is only because you are a product of the dreaded Patriarchy (see below). Because capitalism is an evil monetary structure that is never-ending oppressing you and your family. The greedy capitalists are taking away your money!
Technically, anyone who participates in the free market in any form is a ‘capitalist,’ but rather than focusing on the products you own—which are a product of capitalism—it is best to blame those who earn more than you because they are the oppressors.
This way you will divert attention away from yourself and blame ‘structural inequalities.’
D is for Diversity
By diversity, I don’t mean having a range of different perspectives — we shun bigotry. Rather, we care about diversity of gender, diversity of sexuality, and diversity of ethnicity in political office.
What’s more, if you disagree with us, then we will have no option but to shut you down. In fact, the goal is to achieve ideological homogeneity amongst the ranks of all people everywhere.
E is for Environmentalism
It’s not enough to reuse, recycle and buy government-contracted solar panels for your house.
You are now required to:
- Make your children miss school and go on ‘climate strikes’
- Name and shame anyone who disagrees with you as a ‘climate-change denier’
- Force third-world nations to adopt your environmental policies, even if it means they will continue to stay in poverty.
Also, as a climate-advocate, you don’t need to make any personal sacrifices for the planet.
You can keep travelling by airplane, continue using your car, and keep using electricity — after all, why sacrifice the personal comforts you constantly have when you can just scream at others and tell them how much they don’t care about the planet because they don’t support #StopAdani.
F is for Feminism
Rather than celebrating the incredible gains made for women in the West, your objective is to blame any statistical disparity on ‘sexism’ and the ‘patriarchy.’
For instance, you must educate the ‘stay at home-makers’ by telling them they are ‘oppressed’ and ‘exploited’ for their household labour.
What’s more, keep proclaiming that abortion is a WOMAN’S RIGHT because it only involves a WOMAN’S BODY—even if you are shown images that reveal that a fetus is an independent human being.
G is for Greed
This is one of your most powerful rhetorical tools to undermine any argument you hear from someone who supports the idea of a free-market economy.
Just accuse them of being ‘greedy’ and that they are in cahoots with ‘greedy corporates.’ By doing this, you will disarm your opponent from any argument they may make.
H is for Heteronormativity
If you are straight in your sexual orientation, you don’t know what it’s like to suffer as an LGBTQI+ person — therefore, your opinion is probably not worth listening to (especially if you are white) unless, of course, you support homosexuality, transgenderism, and the plethora of other left-wing positions. In that case, we shall forgive you for your iniquity in choosing a life of heterosexuality. Join the club!
I is for Irredentism
Irredentism—or “land acquired through colonization” must be eventually returned to its original owners. However, it’s a bit too much of a sacrifice to give your house, land, and money back to the traditional custodians —so, we’ve concocted a sacrifice-free method of reconciliation!
It’s simple — religiously perform the ‘welcome to country’ speech at every public and private gathering, and it will be as if the land was never stolen. Oh, and by the way, never demand irredentism of other nations — It’s strictly a black and white issue.
J is for Justice
Of course, when I say “justice” what I really mean is social justice, which is really just another way of saying ‘communism.’
I mean, why give to the poor when you can accuse those who have more money than you that they are ‘greedy capitalists’ who are exploiting them?
What’s more, you no longer need to take individual responsibility to care for anyone—just fight for policies that effectively steal money from those who have more, and you won’t need to spend a cent! And finally, equality under the law is never enough. Until statistical equality is seen in every sphere of life, we will continue to wage war.
K is for Kavanaugh. Brett Kavanaugh.
This straight white male represents every man who is accused of being a sexual predator.
Here are some instructions, though, for how to file a false sexual misconduct claim:
Rule #1: You don’t need evidence because…well, feminism! #MeToo
Rule #2: When you can’t prove a case, just argue that the man’s reputation has been tarnished enough as a result of your false accusations that he isn’t qualified to do anything anymore.
L is for LGBTLMNOPQRS…
According to the latest data, the LGBTQ+ acronym is showing no signs of slowing down in its incremental acronymic expansion.
An acronym to designate those choosing lesbian, gay and bisexual lifestyles (LGB) is now being expanded to include every identity, apart from those who choose to embrace monogamous, heterosexual relationships – who are not deserving of your time and attention because they are homophobic bigots.
M is for Masculinity
Masculinity needs to be eliminated because it is the foundation of: A) the patriarchy, B) sexism, and C) heteronormativity.
The best way to eliminate masculinity is to prefix it with the term ‘toxic.’ Next, when men sin — particularly in grievous ways — blame all men for their iniquities. Also, don’t point out the importance of having fathers present — never point out the ‘500 to 600 per cent increase in sexual abuse of girls where the adult male was not the natural father.’
N is for Nazi (AKA Ben Shapiro)
Although a term that refers to one of the most wicked political regimes throughout history, use this term to refer to anyone who disagrees with you on political matters. Examples include:
- Mitt Romney’s campaign back in 2007.
- We did it to Donald Trump’s campaign in 2016
- We’ve even called Orthodox Jewish political commentator — Ben Shapiro — a ‘Nazi collaborator’
O is for Oppression
Similar to Capitalism and Patriarchy, whenever you are struggling in life, blame the oppression. Don’t take personal responsibility for your struggles — it’s easier to look for some structure in your life to blame.
So, blame your boss, your education, your upbringing, the government — anything but your own behaviour!
P is for Patriarchy
If you are a woman — let’s just assume someone’s gender for the sake of argument — then once again don’t take personal responsibility for your actions. Rather, if you experience any misfortunes, or you aren’t achieving what you aspire to achieve, there is a simple answer to your troubles: The Patriarchy.
That is, blame all men who have nothing to do with you, for the problems you experience in your life. After all, we’re all being oppressed by the patriarchy in some way; are we not?
Q is for Queer
That category used for anyone who chooses to engage in sexual behaviour outside the typical LGBT spectrum.
Don’t use it colloquially anymore, because it’s insensitive and you could be charged with hate-speech.
R is for Racism
Despite what you might think, racism actually has very little to do with race.
How to detect a racist:
- Do they believe in border control? — Racist.
- Do they believe in restrictions on immigration? — Racist.
- Are they against welfare policies? — Racist.
- Do they support Trump? — Racist.
S is for the Safe Schools Program
This anti-bullying campaign aims to get sexualized material into the hands of our young people in an effort to prevent self-harm and oppression.
What better way to tear down the patriarchy than to teach boys they can be girls?
T is for Transgenderism
There used to be as many genders as there are sides on a $2 coin. However, we have progressed since last decade — genderspectrum.org suggests that there are an infinite number of genders due to the fact that gender is a spectrum.
There is only one cause of their suffering — bullying.
U is for Utopia
Isn’t this what we are all fighting for?
The land where gender is non-binary, where everyone has equal wealth, where the rainbow flag flies high, and where the only time we hurt the natural environment is when we pick an apple to eat.
V is for Victim
This is your number one term for getting heard — in fact, the number of victim groups you are a part of will determine the value of your voice. Oh, and don’t listen to Thomas Sowell — he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
The idea of ‘victimhood’ underscores a ‘intersectionality’ philosophy, which explains much of the contemporary political dialogue.
W is for White-Privilege
Those who have white skin have it better in all areas of life. All white people have had better lives since colonisation. If you deny this, you are a racist.
How to Deal With White-Privileged People:
- If they are white, they probably aren’t worth listening to.
- If they are a white male, they most certainly aren’t worth listening to.
- If they are a straight white male, I’m not sure why you are even talking to them.
- If they are a straight, white, Christian male, don’t even be in the same room with him. He knows nothing of your struggles and has no empathy for your situation.
Also, because we want the focus to be on the black-white disparities that exist, avoid pointing out the fact that Asians have higher graduation rates, higher incomes, and higher home ownership rates as a group.
X is for Xenophobe
How to Detect a Xenophobe:
- A xenophobe is anyone who disagrees with your immigration policy.
- A xenophobe believes that foreign aid is misappropriated, and sometimes even indirectly used to fund terrorist groups.
- A xenophobe also doesn’t agree with your belief that all religions are the same. This is clear when a xenophobe raises concerns about increased Islamic immigration.
Y is for Young
Of course, every leftist is either a college student, or a college student at heart. Remember those student protest days? You were fuming with passion as you left your sociology lecture, ready to crush the patriarchy and dismantle capitalism as they are the evils corroding Western civilization!
Like Winston Churchill said, “If you aren’t a liberal at 25, you have no heart. If you aren’t a conservative at 30, you have no brain”
Z is for Zee
When engaging with others, don’t presume to know their gendered pronouns, as you don’t want to get accused of violent hate speech.
Instead, play the safe card by addressing them with the following pronouns:
- He/She → Zee
- Him/Her — Zim/Zir
Well done! You now know your ABC’s.
If you know a friend who may need to go back and learn their ABC’s, feel free to share this through to them.
After all, shouldn’t everyone have the right to an education?